Wandering

Many of us wander through life with no real purpose or destination.  We are uncertain of where we’re headed.  We spend countless hours dreaming up a better life.  In the midst of our confusion we seek to find purpose in the dream that others made for us, because quite honestly, we aren’t really sure how to really live out our dreams, because it seems like when we do they never really fulfill us like we thought they would. 

So in order to fill that deep longing in our souls we pursue the American dream; success, money, a family, relationships, you name it, but if we could be quite honest we’re still just as depressed at the end of the day with all these things in our lives. 

Then maybe the answer is to seek whatever gives us the greatest pleasure, so we run after what makes us feel good and we immerse ourselves into sex, alcohol or we put ourselves in positions where due to our pride, we feel pretty great about ourselves, but in the long run that doesn’t work either. 

I used to wander. 

I longed to be loved and feel beautiful, so I chased after boys and thought if I had a cute boyfriend on my arm that I’d be happy, but I always did and I felt just as empty.  I thought if I were thin that meant I was beautiful, but no matter how thin I got I still felt ugly when I looked in the mirror. 

I hated my life.  I believed that I was worth less, that my life had no purpose and that I would never amount to anything.  I felt so ugly.  I hated the thought of another day.  I didn’t see the point in life.  I was wandering and everyone was telling me where I needed to go to find happiness, but that just wasn’t working. 

On the outside I looked like I had it all together pretty good.  I was successful at sports, I did well in school, and was on the fast track to going to Millikin University to play golf for the school and get a college degree. 

Yet, I was miserable, hopeless and depressed.  Maybe you can relate?

Ironically though, in my wandering, I was found.  I remember the day, July 30^th, 2002, 11 years ago.  I’d grown up in the church and I knew all about this Jesus guy who others had told me had died for my sins and was the Son of God.  Quite honestly, before that day I didn’t really get it.  I’d never come face to face with the reality that yes, I was a sinner, I had done wrong and before a Holy God it is only by His mercies that He has sent Jesus to die for me on my behalf, so that I could be set free from my sin and restored back into right relationship with God through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ. 

I remember what I was wearing, Doc Marten shoes, American Eagle jeans and one of my favorite tops with blue and red stripes.  The fact that I remember what I was wearing speaks to the how powerful this moment was to me in my life considering I don’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday. 

I was tired of wandering.  I was tired of the restless nights, crying myself to sleep, I was done with the feelings of despair and hopelessness.  My way of living life wasn’t working.  I was finished with me running the show.  Something drew me to this Jesus, something told me that in His hand that He held the keys to my freedom. 

I saw Him in my sister, she had joy, hope, purpose and peace.  I longed for those things and I came to realize she had all of these promises and more, because of Jesus. 

It became so clear to me that night as the Youth Pastor shared a message with all of us.  He said, we’re all dirty rags because of our sin and the only way we can enter into Heaven is to have a clean rag and the only person that can wash our rag clean is Jesus. 

For the first time it all made sense.  I had made a mess of my life and I needed forgiveness. I needed a healer. It was in that moment that I said,

“God, I’m so tired of living life on my own, please, wash this rag clean and help me start a new life through Jesus Christ”. 

Even as I type those words my eyes well with tears as I recall that moment.  In an instant everything changed.  I knew that my life would never be the same.  It was as if someone lifted a great burden off of my shoulders and for the first time I could walk in true freedom. 

I wasn’t a prisoner anymore to despair and sadness.  Something inside of me sprung to life.  It was Jesus.  He captured my heart, invaded my soul and put a new song in me. 

Jesus, oh what a wonderful name.  His love set me free, His peace became my hope and His joy became my crown. 

I had been made brand new.  I had become a new creation through Jesus Christ (2 Cor 5:17)

Sure, life has still had its ups and downs.  I’ve experienced some very painful things in life these past 11 years as I’ve walked with Jesus and have experienced sadness, yet my life is anchored and founded upon a solid rock.  Even in the midst of great pain I know that my hope is found in something that cannot be shaken.  I place my hope in the person of Jesus Christ and I find that in my pain He brings healing. 

Are you wandering?  There is good news for you.  There is a healer and His name is Jesus!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free - Galations 5:1